I've gone my whole life wondering who I am. I never felt like I truly fit in anywhere. I don't fit in as a girl. I don't fit in as a boy. I don't fit in as neither. It's why i developed the labels abrosexual and genderfluid. It felt right. Because one day I could be so sure of my identity and the next I'd feel like I had no idea who I was. it's tiring. I just feel like I don't exist most days or that I shouldn't exist. Like something is so wrong with me to the point that I should never have logically been born.

"I wonder what its like to be 15 and not know how to do anything." I wonder what its like to be a normal mom whos supportive of her son. It was about me not knowing how to get grease out of a pan. She literally could've just told me to run it under hot water.

I'm starting to hate my best friend, but I also don't wanna lose him. It started a few days ago, I think wednesday? After we got off of spring break. We had this assembly where two guys came in to talk to the school. I don't know what they were saying, I had my ears plugged since it was too loud for me. Multiple times during that assembly my friend turned to me and was like "omg they're such dls, no straight man knows how to do that!!" (dl = "down low", I guess it's used for people who aren't open about being gay?? idfk.) and at some point he turned to me and said "he must be acoustic". I fucking hate it. Both of those. He calls every homophobic straight guy a "dl" and it's like not every fucking homophobic person is secretly gay, they're just fucking hateful. And calling someone acoustic??? what the fuck. He KNOWS that I'm autistic, I don't hide that from him, and he says shit like that. I've also been feeling like I've been a stand-in for a therapist. He kept telling me that he feels stuck in a friendship because "I've been growing but she's been staying the same" and I'm so tired of hearing about it.

I want to kill myself really bad. I don't see any reason to continue living. Everything that used to make me happy doesn't anymore. It all feels pointless.

My dad seems more interested in playing a game then he is spending time with me and i just dunno what to do.

All March 20th 2023 I’m attracted to this boy in my class named Elliott. The problem is that I’m obsessed over him, even if I don’t act like I am, my mind always wants him to be with me and away from everyone else. I hate this. I don’t even really know him. Even if I got to know him, he probably wouldn’t even like me how I like him. For one, He’s probably straight and we’re both boys. Two, He doesn’t really accept trans people. What I’m trying to say is that I hate the fact that I’m obsessive. I hate the fact that I want to isolate him to where I’m the only one who can be around him. I hate it all. I now realize that this entire time I've just been looking for attention. I don't know why. Is it because of the lack of attention my parents gave me? or is it just because I'm selfish and want everything to be about me? I hate this. I hate how I feel like everyone is going to abandon me. In response to that, I do every little thing they say or ask just in fear of abandonment. If it's something I don't want to do but they ask me to, I'll do it just in hopes they won't abandon me. I hate how my parents don't listen to me when I tell them I might have something. Like, I might have BPD and Autism but no, they think it's just my lack of socialization. I can't even ask them if I can get a diagnosis because I don't even know what I would say. It's easier for me to jot down my thoughts and give them that but they will want me to talk in person and I can't do that.

I've been losing the motivation to keep living. I see no point in continuing. I have no control over my life, people constantly try to tell me what I can and can't do and it's so exhausting.

It feels stupid to say anything but I feel like my own best friend is leaving me out of things. Like it feels like he prefers other people over me and I hate it. I hate that it's so hard to get his attention and I hate that I get jealous when he talks to other people. I hate that it seems like he prefers to talk to other people over me. I hate being jealous like this. I hate feeling like this.

I'm not gonna say names because I don't wanna acknowledge that they even exist anymore. But, someone is saying they hope I get sa'd, saying specifically "Hope someone touches him lmao". They're also calling me a slut because my nudes got posted and saying that it's my fault that it's getting spread around. They even said "I wouldn't be surprised if he went to strip club looking like this with the men lmao". I'm a child. And they think I'm going to a strip club with grown adults. I'm so tired of this.

I don't love myself and i dont think i ever will. My whole life has been dictated by the trauma I've suffered through and its impacted my view of myself. So much so that i think its irreversable. I dont see any redeeming qualities of myself. Im ugly, fat, discriminated against, etc. It just feels pointless to keep going.

I hate my body a lot. I keep thinking I'm fat when people are saying that I'm not. But, i mean just look at me??? You can see it clear as day

Being trans in a town full of transphobes is exhausting. I'm misgendered and deadnamed on a daily. There's not a lot of people who accept me outside of teachers.

I feel like my whole life is going to shit. People have been seeming so much more annoyed with me than ever before and I feel like it's all my fault. I feel like I should be responsible for every little thing that goes haywire. As of today, I'm officially 15 days clean, but I've been wanting to relapse so much. To prove that all my suffering isn't just in my head, that there's something actually there to prove that it happened. But, at the same time, I'm terrified. I'm terrified of my parents finding out about my self-harm. I'm not the only person in my family to hurt themselves like this and I'm terrified that I'll be sent to a mental hospital just like how my sister was. I just wish I could get them to understand my view. To understand why I do it. But I know I'll never be able to. They aren't the type to listen anyway. They shut down any view that doesn't match their own beliefs. And that makes it so hard to exist around them. I'm not a christian and they are. When they found out I don't believe in god, they damn near yelled at me because of it. They're transphobic and I still get comments to this day about me being trans and I can barely take it anymore. I hate this cycle that I've been forced to be in. I wish I could just break free from it and live my own life. A life away from them and anyone else who'd want to hurt me.

I can't help but think those people were right. That maybe it would be best if I’d close my eyes for the last time. Not even that. I wouldn’t deserve peace in my final moments. Not after everything I’ve done. Juno was right when she told me to kill myself. I’m not sure why I hold it against her anymore. T-------a was also right when she said all those things about me. I don’t know why I continue to doubt and deny their words. The words of the souls who spoke to me shattered a delicate glass that shows the truth I’ve tried to deny all this time. I’m the soul of a wasted corpse who never had the capacity for greatness.

I shouldn’t of reacted that way when I was at the dentist. I shouldn’t of gagged when they tried the x-ray. I should’ve let myself feel like I was going to throw up. It would’ve saved everything. Maybe then my mom wouldn’t of made fun of me for how I always seem to do it. When getting my throat swabbed and this time. She said she sometimes feels guilty for hurting my feelings. I just wish she could see how much it really hurt.